This week’s training message is about a topic that’s more relevant today than ever before. To be fully soul-expressed, we need to be free from the myths and traps created by conflict and taking things personally. To be Self-actualized, we must understand how to interact powerfully in a world of infinite opinions and variety. If we can understand the source of our emotional responses, without feeling threatened or making other people wrong, we can shine our individual lights in the way we truly desire.
Time to Freedom And Peace: 14 Liberating Minutes
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Freedom From Conflict And Taking Things Personally
Hi, I’m Elari Onawa, I’ve been a Life Coach since 2003 and I’m also the author of Just Believe How Faith In Yourself Shifts Everything! Welcome to this week’s training for being the most fulfilled YOU! When was the last time you took something personally? Do you ever replay events in your head and then get mad or insulted by something that someone said? Well, you’re going to love this week’s video training. Welcome to Freedom From Conflict And Taking Things Personally
It’s not only possible to have freedom from conflict and freedom from being affected by the opinions of others .… it’s required if you want to be self-realized and happily Self expressed. And having a deeper understanding of the true source of your feelings also allows you to create more fulfillment and love inside your relationships too. To have that peace and freedom, we all need to understand and own the source of our feelings as we interact at home, in our social circles, on social media, and at work. Until we do, we can feel hurt by other people’s comments or actions, or we may even experience anger or defensiveness. Understanding your own emotional level is so important because you also need this higher awareness if you want to see people as they truly are, rather than the stories and assumptions that we as humans can so easily make up in our heads about other people. If we want to feel truly related we need to see something deeper about ourselves first.
Let’s start with some fundamentals and then we’ll bring it all together, so you can see how to feel free and at peace as you interact with others, regardless of who you’re working with or related to!
To be free, at peace, and powerful in our interactions, we need to see that what we may be defining as true, may actually be a personal opinion, or story made up, in reaction to an event. When you make your mind up, your assessment may even feel true, but that doesn’t make it so. Stay with this conversation and you’ll discover something really liberating for yourself, your relationships and what you want to create in your life.
As you live, events happen, and then you give those events meaning.
Truth, however — is an indisputable fact. Truth is the something that happened, the event, without any suppositions or opinions added. Truth exists, whether we believe it, or not.
Stories, on the other hand, are the conclusions we draw about ourselves, or others, which may, or may not be true. Yet we can operate from truth, stories or the meaning we create … as if it’s all true, even when it’s just an opinion.
This is crucial to see because you create all your life experiences through your vantage-point, including how you relate to and see others. So, to create more fulfilling relationships, you must remember, who you truly are, the one creating the lens, through which you view life, yourself and other people.
You are the one creating through your vantage-point. This is what “life is done through you rather than to you” means. There’s you, there’s the event, and then — there’s what you make it all mean.
As you see this, you can separate your identity, from your vantage point. This allows you to transcend your personal point-of-view, so you can see the higher truth. Said another way, you are not your vantage-point, you are the one choosing the vantage-point! Getting this allows you to transcend the need to defend or withdraw because you are no longer impacted by the opinions of others. You see what is really creating your life experience, and that is always the meaning that you place on life events. And you have one-hundred percent control over that!
This is where ultimate peace and freedom come in!
This is a life skill that I help my clients master because it’s so important to your happiness and your ability to show up as the best version of yourself. And when you show up from this higher understanding you can create what you want in life without being stopped or getting stuck in unwanted experiences. How you feel is always a direct result of the meaning you are placing on life events.
How you feel is never about the external condition, the people, actions, comments or events themselves. How you feel is always, 100% of the time, about the meaning you place on the conditions, people, actions, comments or events you’re observing. For example, if you make someone’s comment mean they don’t care about you, you’ll feel some version of hurt, anger, defensiveness or disappointment. You’ll also start to see, expect, hear and relate to them in that way, even though that opinion or story may not be true. Keep telling that story, and you will come to resent them. But, how you feel is not created by another’s comment or behavior. How you feel and how you see a person is created by the meaning placed on the comment.
Let’s look at another example of truth, story, and conflict.
If I were to say, my sister hasn’t called me in over a week, this is a truth, a fact. Whether I believe it or not, it happened — my sister hasn’t called in over a week. If, on the other hand, I said; my sister hasn’t called in over a week; she’s probably mad at me — I’ve just created a story about the truth. The first part happened, she didn’t call. The second part, she’s probably mad, is conjecture. And if I keep feeding that story it’ll get bigger and so will my feelings toward my sister. I don’t really know whether my conclusion is true unless of course, I ask her in an open and peaceful way. What’s more, if she’s mad at me, there’s most likely a story, not a truth, causing that emotional response, as well! There’s what happens, and then there’s what we make it mean. Almost all conflict created inside families, workplaces, between nations etc. comes from internal monologues or stories that aren’t even the Truth with a capital T.
And if we create something unpleasant and expect that to continue, we create a field of energy, that might feel like awkwardness, fear of being judged or repressed anger. The other person will feel it, and if both parties aren’t aware of their personal filters or stories, the interaction could erupt into an argument, or the relationship may deteriorate. And this is all because of the meaning placed on the event.
If we want to truly know ourselves, our friends, family, or the world, we must be able to see through a clear lens. If we want freedom from taking things personally, we need to see Truth. In other words, we need to be able to distinguish between what happens in our lives, and what we make those events mean.
So, how do you distinguish stories from the truth?
Listen to the language you’re using. Stories often show up as assessments, like “she always wants things done right away”, or “he never listens to me”. These are, however, judgments, and by continuing to tell a story, we continue to experience the stories we tell. We continue to create those experiences and the emotional responses that come with that story. So, anytime you hear or use an absolute — such as always, or never — to describe yourself or someone else, that’s a sure sign of a story, being interpreted as true.
Stories are never a true reflection, of who a person actually is. We are eternal, and so we evolve. When we relate to people through our personal expectations and labels, we put them in a box, based on our limited vantage point.
Here’s a liberating truth; a story reflects the storyteller’s way of seeing the world. So, even if a judgment is directed toward you, it’s not really about you. Stories are assessments, based on the filters of the storyteller. This means that if you see someone through an absolute, or in a judgmental way, you’re not really seeing them, for who they truly are. You’re relating to your story about them, not to them.
If we truly want to relate to others, we have to see through a clear lens and own that we are creating how we feel. We do this by distinguishing the story from the truth and by learning from coaches and teachers who study and apply this higher awareness themselves.
Here’s another way. Let’s say someone does something that’s upsetting to you. Instead of getting lost in a story that makes you feel bad, ask yourself; what did I make this mean? This allows you to see your conclusion that triggered your upset. So, you can now make another choice, one that feels better.
For example, you can practice observing others without adding meaning or thinking that you have to figure out their behavior, or even stop assuming that their behavior has anything to do with you. You can also choose another vantage-point, one that uplifts and inspires you. And you can find more powerful tools in chapter 4: Truth And Stories in my book “Just Believe: How Faith In Yourself Shifts Everything!” You’ll find it on Amazon.
We get peace and freedom in our relationships when we embrace the true source of our feelings. We give up control over our emotional wellbeing if we blame others for how we feel. It is done unto each of us, each according to our own perspective! And this is good! This means that we are free and we get to choose!
If you’ve discovered something powerful in this training, share it with others! If you don’t already subscribe to my weekly messages for more of your awesomeness, you can do that on my website.
Thanks for watching and I’ll see you next week!